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DAN KOE

ALEX MATHERS

TAYLIN SIMMONDS

Founder, KorteX
3.5M followers

medium.com top writer
120K followers

BRAND CONSULTANT
79K followers

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"If you want practical strategies to maximize your own well-being, then create a profitable internet business around your passions, interests and curiosities – Goldfield is your guy."

DAN KOE

In this newsletter I’m going to explain to you how to meet and attract your perfect life partner.

A strong romantic partnership is the ultimate team. Only through this relationship can the most impressive human achievement be realised: the creation and nurture of another human. This is significant whether you want to be a parent or not, because other achievements are easy by comparison.

Sadly, most people never even meet their perfect partner, because—

  1. They haven’t made themselves into a person worth dating
  2. They don’t know what they want in a partner
  3. They don’t understand how online dating works
  4. They don’t know how to behave on a date

I had to figure all of this out before I met my wife. She’s a neuropsychologist with 3 degrees, so she had a high bar to say the least. Let me tell you how I exceeded it.

The Number 1 Killer Of Attraction

If you’re a millenial, you got your first lessons about love from Disney movies (your parents sure as shit didn’t teach you about it—they were failing miserably themselves!)

You heard lines like—

  • ‘You complete me!’
  • ‘I’m lost without you!’

And worst of all…

  • ‘I need you!’
Neediness is the single most unattractive quality in a human being.

Imagine you’re sitting opposite your first date and they list off a bunch of things they need from you in order to be happy.

  • ‘I need you to get along with my family’
  • ‘I need you to sleep on the left side of the bed’
  • ‘I need you to take the trash out because I hate it’
  • ‘I need you to give me at least six cuddles per day’
  • ‘I need you to let me bite you really hard when we fuck’

Are you excited to take things further?

You’d never actually hear all that on a first date, but make no mistake: a needy person’s agenda is to see if their date can fulfil their needs.

That being the case, what’s the number one thing you need to do if you want to attract your perfect life partner? That’s right: you need to stop being needy.

But how?

You might think it impossible but, actually, the answer has been around for thousands of years.

That answer is mindfulness practice.

How Does Mindfulness Make You Attractive?

Mindfulness practice is specifically designed—and proven by hundreds of millions of people—to defeat neediness.

How? It’s very simple.

When you can sit on your ass for long periods of time and be satisfied—with nothing else going on—you don’t need anything from anyone.

Now, this doesn’t mean that your partner won’t do anything for you. Rather, it means that everything your partner does for you is a bonus (instead of a response to your cries for help).

So it turns out that the number 1 thing you can do to meet your perfect life partner is meditate.

The 2nd-Simplest Meditation Instructions You’ll Ever Find

(You don’t want the simplest ones, trust me. But if you’re curious, ​ask me in a DM.​)

  1. Get comfortable in a distraction-free spot
  2. Relax (accept things as they are) Let go (stop wishing things were different) Shut the fuck up (stop judging & describing)
  3. When you notice tension or distraction, acknowledge this as successful practice
  4. Repeat steps 2 & 3

Practice this at least once a day—with enthusiasm—and watch your neediness dissolve.

This is the number one thing you can do to become more attractive. Everything else—maturity, fitness, conversation skills, emotional intelligence—will be 100x easier once you’ve established a mindfulness practice and defeated neediness.

Now you’ve got that handled, here are the 3 next most common problems keeping people from attracting their perfect life partner—

  1. They’re not specific enough in their dating choices
  2. They’re too emotionally invested in online dating
  3. Their dates—once they get them—are a mess

I’m going to explain how you can overcome these problems, step-by-step…

Step 1: Get Clear On Who Your Perfect Partner Is

Dating without knowing what you want in a partner is like starting your car then just slamming down the accelerator. You’ve no idea what you’re aiming for.

News flash: your perfect partner will have flaws.

‘What?!’ I hear you cry.

‘Yes,’ I repeat, ‘your perfect partner will have flaws.’

Your perfect partner is not a perfect person. Perfect people don’t exist.

Your perfect partner is someone who’s compatible enough with you that living with them results in mutual benefit.

And when you know what’s important to you in your perfect partner, you automatically know what you’re willing to forgive.

Sounds simple, right? But as divorce rates will tell you, it’s quite rare. So how do you find it?

Get Specific

Write down every quality you’d want to see in your perfect partner.

Every quality.

Want them to wear colourful socks? Write it down.

Want them to find a particular joke funny? Write it down.

Want them to have a similar view on the frequency of pedestrian crossings in your town? Write it down.

Want their genitals to have a certain quality? Write it down.

If you’re like most people, when you do this exercise you’ll feel that you’re being picky and exclusive. In 2022 you may even wonder if preferring someone at a healthy BMI equates you to Hitler. But here’s the deal…

It’s okay to have preferences. Preferences drive mating at a biological level. And there is—despite what you may have heard on Twitter—a difference between preference and fascism.

How I Placed An Order For My Future Wife

I always found women from a certain part of Asia intensely attractive.

When I was doing the exercise described above, I was struggling a bit with the specificity part.

I first wrote ‘Bangladeshi ancestry.’

Then I crossed that out, thinking it was too specific. I knew India was a larger country, so I wrote ‘Indian ancestry.’

I went back and forth a number of times.

I don’t remember what I settled on, but I know that my wife and her family are from West Bengal, India, which borders Bangladesh.

https://media.giphy.com/media/y65VoOlimZaus/giphy.gif

Yes, you’ll feel like you’re excluding a lot of potential matches. But until you do this, you might not even be aware of the opportunities around you (selective focus is a hell of a drug).

Step 2: Activate The Online Dating Cheat Code

Online dating is now the most common way to meet potential partners.

From ‘Disintermediating your friends: How online dating inthe United States displaces other ways of meeting’ (Rosenfel et al. 2019) [​link​]

You’ve probably been there: you swipe, swipe, swipe, and eventually find a match. You message them, then you wait. And as you wait, you start to wonder when they’ll reply.

You tumble down a rabbit hole of speculation—

  • What are they doing that’s more important than your message?
  • Why are they even on the app if they don’t want to talk to matches?
  • Are they on a date right now?
  • Will they ever go on a date with you?
  • Will that date lead to anything meaningful?
  • Are you unattractive?

And all the while you’re checking your phone every 2 minutes—even though your notifications are on.

Why are you (and everyone else) like this?

The Psychology of Attraction (In 1 Minute)

Every one of your ancestors managed to convince at least one person to have sex with them. But they didn’t have Tinder. Most of them had only a small community in which to find a mate, and this made the task WAY more difficult than it is today.

Mating being difficult made it important. Also, healthy children were the only thing that would keep old people alive. Thus reproduction was almost certainly the defining goal of your ancestors’ lives.

This is why you care so much about mating, even though conditions have changed beyond recognition. You’re literally wired to feel bad when a match doesn’t respond to your message.

But here’s the crazy thing: as someone who checks their phone every two minutes, you actually are less attractive (neediness)! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what do you do about it?

The Online Dating Cheat Code: Focus On Process

You were taught to focus on outcomes in everything you do (see: exams). The problem with this is that you can’t control outcomes (see: examiners).

It doesn’t matter—

  • How good-looking you are
  • How fit you are
  • How rich you are
  • How funny you are
  • How confident you are

It doesn’t even matter how self-sufficient you are.

There’s not a single thing you can do to guarantee that a match replies to your message.

What you can do, though, is—

  • Take care of your appearance
  • Take care of your health
  • Take care of your finances
  • Take care of your social skills
  • Take care of your neediness

And know that these all increase the possibility of potential partners being interested in you.

When you add this to messaging 50 potential dates each day you massively increase your ‘luck surface area’. And you can do that kind of outreach when you don’t care if people respond or not.

What does this looks like in practical terms? Instead of biting your nails, wondering whether your match is going to respond, you put your phone down, forget all about it and do a workout.

In other words, instead of wondering whether someone finds you attractive, you STFU and go make yourself more attractive. And you cast a wide net to put yourself in front of many different prospects—made possible by the fact that you’ve removed emotion from the game.

How I Met My Perfect Life-Partner

My wife and I met on a site called ‘OkCupid’.

OkCupid turned out to work for me because I was able to write about myself.

And when I wrote about myself openly and honestly, I hit the jackpot.

Previously, I’d censored myself. Back then, not a lot of people knew what mindfulness was. So I’d held back on writing about it.

At some point, I said ‘fuck it’.

How was I ever going to meet my ideal partner—the person I was going to live with for the rest of my life—if I wasn’t even giving them an honest look at who I was?

So I tore down my profile and started from scratch, being totally honest about myself and what interested me.

I started messaging as many women as I could.

My wife was immediately interested in what I wrote about mindfulness because she’s a psychologist. (And you’re damn right ‘intelligence’ was on my list of perfect partner qualities.)

We spoke on the phone. We met the next day. We spoke about interdependent relationships. It was totally obvious we were a match. We said so to one another. We kissed. The rest is history.

Step 3: Nail Your First Date

So you’ve defeated neediness, stopped worrying about outcome, and as a result you’ve got a date with someone who looks like they could be the one.

But what now?

How do you make sure you make the best impression?

Well friend… you don’t.

That’s right: you don’t make sure you make the best impression.

Here’s what you do: you go and meet someone and you have a conversation.

You talk about what interests them.

Maybe you talk about what interests you.

You find out what common ground you have.

You see if your sense of humour clicks.

If it does, congratulations: you just nailed your first date.

If it doesn’t, congratulations: you just nailed your first date (but there won’t be a second).

The Real Secret Of Love

…is that it’s all about simple compatibility.

But you have to get out of your own way by working on steps 2 & 3 of this newsletter in order to be truly compatible with anyone.

By the time you’re self-reliant and process-focused, you’ll have a lot to offer your perfect partner.

And when you find them, the match will be obvious to you both.

Living With Your Perfect Life-Partner Is Like Being High All The Time

I just finished a regular mindfulness/psychology geek-out session with my wife.

She made coffee for the fourth morning running because she knows how important this newsletter is—even in its early stage.

I paused, put my laptop down, and answered her questions on the nature of awareness.

Some women wouldn’t enjoy this at all.

My wife—the most compatible match I ever met—calls it heaven.

We express our love and gratitude to one another every single day.

You can have this too.
dg 💙

~

P.S. If you need help getting it, you're in the right place.

I've helped hundreds of people to navigate the difficult territory of dating and relationships.

To find out how I can help you specifically, click here to tell me about your goals and hear back from me within 24 hours.

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